


Salad Surprise

by FollowerofMercy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Gen, I nearly made this canon compliant, I'm not sorry, It's Kinda Gross, Mpreg, Not Canon Compliant, Parasite - Freeform, Steven adopts literally everything, Teen Pregnancy, and then y'all couldn't argue that it didn't happen, but not really, including intestinal parasites, shitpost, steven cries, tapeworm, variably in character and ooc, y'all best be grateful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:20:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23958304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FollowerofMercy/pseuds/FollowerofMercy
Summary: Steven gets attached to the tapeworm he got from a salad.
Relationships: Steven Universe & Everyone, Steven Universe & tapeworm
Comments: 59
Kudos: 55





	1. Announcement

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t read into this too much. It’s literally about a tapeworm. There is no deeper meaning, I swear.  
> Written for Beanie

Steven slunk into the temple at half past ten, cradling his stomach and flushed with embarrassment. He padded along the floor towards his room as quiet as he could, but not quiet enough to escape Amethyst’s notice.

“’Sup,” she asked and glanced up from her book.

“Oh, hey,” Steven stammered. “You’re up late.”

She cocked an eyebrow. “You’re out late.”

He laughed, a strangled, pitiful sound, and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah. Had to, uh, take care of some stuff.”

“Like?”

“Like stuff.”

She frowned at that and leaned forward. “Dude, what’s up? Why’re you all… twitchy?”

He waved her off and tried to take the stairs. “Nothing, I’m fine. I just got some heavy news at the hospital.”

She slammed her book in her lap. “What?! What happened at the hospital?”

He cowered at the noise, eyes brimming with shame. “I’m… uh, I’m pregnant.”

Amethyst blinked.

Pearl busted through the wall, wailing and rending her garments. “NOT AGAIN! I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN!”

Garnet gave him a thumbs-up and stepped over Pearl’s heaving form on her way to the door. She let herself out as Ruby and Sapphire had better things to do.

While Pearl sobbed into the floor and crawled towards him, Steven bit his lip and shifted from foot to foot. “Yeah. I, uh, this is really hard for me.”

Amethyst hopped off the couch and squinted. “Are you _sure_ you’re pregnant? You don’t really have that new dad glow.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, squirming while Pearl ugly sobbed on his pant leg. “Well, it’s… complicated.”

Amethyst laid a hand on his shoulder and looked deep in his eyes. “Bro, I will support you no matter what, but you’ve gotta tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

Steven met her gaze, moonlight shining on the wetness of his tears. His lip trembled as he gathered the courage to speak.

At length, he took a breath and looked away. “…I have a tapeworm.”

“What.”

Pearl paused her dry heaving and looked up. “What?”

Garnet poked her head in the window, afro barely fitting. “You’re joking.”

Steven flushed and crossed his arms. “I’m not! And… I’ve decided that I’m going to keep it.”

“It’s an intestinal parasite.”

“Their _name_ is Salad,” he spat. “I named them after where I got them from.”

“Ok, I’m out,” Garnet said and jumped off the balcony.

Pearl stood and brushed herself off. “Oh. Well in that case I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’m going on a date, call if you need me.”

Steven gasped as they filtered out of the room. “Guys! I need you!”

Amethyst took his face in her hands and brought their foreheads together, solemn for once. “Look, dude. I love you, but don’t you think a worm’s a lot of responsibility?”

“I dismantled the gempire. I can do this, Amethyst.”

She sighed and nodded once. “Alright. I’m with you. I love you.”

Steven began to sob, great shuddering things that left his shoulders shaking. “I love you too.”

She held him and rubbed small circles into his back. “What are you going to tell your dad?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, I… I’ll go alone. It’s better that way.”

“No, it isn’t. You won’t be alone, Ste-man. I’ll always be here for you.”

He just cried into her shoulder, getting long strings of snot in her hair. She didn’t mind.

After many minutes of tearful words, Amethyst held him at arm’s length. “Why don’t I make you some dinner, huh? You’ve had a rough day. I’ll ask Vidalia to pick up some baby food tomorrow for ya.”

Steven sniffled and graciously accepted the offer. “Thanks Amethyst. You’re the best. I don’t know what me and Salad would do without you.”

“Don’t mention it, bro. What else is family for?”

Steven smiled and dried his tears while Amethyst bustled around the kitchen. After a moment of introspection, he laid a hand on his tummy and whispered to his child.

“I think we’re gonna be okay.”


	2. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg disowns his son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are going to be at least 2 more chapters.

Things were not okay. 

Steven fretted at the entrance of Greg’s van while his father stared at the wall, hollow eyed and vacant. Amethyst kept her hands on Steven’s shoulders while he wrung the hem of his jacket, feeling raw and exposed after his announcement.

Greg’s lips moved, but no sound came out. When he finally spoke, his voice cracked. “I can’t believe this, Schtu-ball.” 

“Dad, please, don’t-“

Greg turned to him, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Son, I thought I taught you to always wash your salad twice.” 

“Dad, I know, I’m so sorry but I was just so hungry, and so depressed. Please, what’s done is done. I need you now.” 

Greg shook his grizzled head, grave. “I can’t even look at you.”

“Dad!” Steven wailed, “Please! I want my child to know their grandpa! Isn’t this what you always wanted?!” He clung to his father’s shirt, though Greg turned his face from him. “

Amethyst slammed her fist into the van door, denting the metal. “C’mon Greg, don’t be a jerk.” 

Greg whirled on her, tears flowing like waterfalls and spittle flying like enraged hornets. “Don’t tell me what to do! I can’t believe this, my own son having an interspecies child.” 

Amethyst fumed, head lowered in a feral snarl. Steven flinched and curled around his stomach. 

“You sound like Andy,” he hissed. 

Greg stopped short, mouth hanging open and tears flowing anew. “Oh my Stars, you’re right. Son, please forgive me. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s too late!” Steven screamed and slapped his hand away, intestinal parasite hormones driving him into a rage. “I can’t trust you anymore!”

Amethyst sheltered Steven under her arm and led him away. “What kind of father are you?!” Amethyst scoffed and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “C’mon Steven. You’re going to be a better dad to your tapeworm than he is to you.”

Greg fell out of the van, striking his knees upon the concrete and shattering his old man bones. He cried out weakly for his son as the two stalked off into the sunset. 

“Steven, please!” 

Amethyst paused to flip him off as she ushered her son and grandchild away. “You’re dead to us. Get bent.” 

Greg sobbed as they left him, a broken man in his shell of his van. His only child left him and he realized, with horror, that he had become his own parents. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was upset at how in character the last chapter was and I need at least one parent not supportive to fit the terrible pregnancy tropes. We all know Greg would actually love his new grandchild.


	3. I refuse to edit this

Two weeks pregnant and Steven hadn’t left his room.

Amethyst brought him food and water while he mourned the loss of his father. She tried to coax him out, to talk to his friends, but he adamantly stuck to his shelter. It worried her how he slept curled around his own stomach, sheltering his child from the outside world. No teen should look so afraid when they slept.

His mood soured as he continued his self-isolation. She couldn’t chalk it up to pregnancy hormones – should she ever? Was that insensitive? She didn’t know what to do. She tried to think back to Rose when she was pregnant with him, them quickly shut the memory out. The same thing wouldn’t happen to him. It couldn’t.

She mulled this over as she watched him shuffle to the bathroom for the fourth time that morning. His shoulders sagged with exhaustion. His child may not kill him the way… the way Rose died, but she worried for his health nonetheless.

She _had_ to get him out of the house.

Amethyst brooded on the couch while she waited for Steven to retreat to his room. She listened until she heard the telltale creak of his bed before she padded up the stairs. Thankfully nobody else was home.

“Steven?”

“Mm?”

Amethyst crept in the door, trying not to frown at his back while he huddled under the covers.

“Hey, Ste-man. We should go out today.”

“Mm.”

“C’mon, don’t be like that.” She sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his back. “How ‘bout we get pizzas, huh? You love Fish Stew Pizza.”

He sniffed. “That’s where I got Salad.”

Amethyst chewed her lip. “Alright, if you wanna get a salad we can do that too.”

“No,” he said and rolled over, pointing at his stomach. “That’s where I got _Salad_.”

“Oh. Is it… uh, a sore spot?”

“No. No, it might actually be nice to go back to where this all started. I think Salad would like that.”

Steven rolled himself bodily out of bed, bracing his hands on his knees to raise himself. She helped him up the rest of the way, barely able to contain her grin. “And you can show them off to Kiki and Jenny and Nanefua, right?”

The ghost of a smile played at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah. Yeah.” He turned to her. “Do I look alright?”

His hair stuck up in clumps, dried drool stuck to the corner of his mouth and his shirt had a week’s worth of wrinkles. He smelled like sadness.

“Nope!” Amethyst quipped and shoved him out the door. “Let’s get you some sunshine, nerd.”

**Author's Note:**

> Note – tapeworm infections can actually be very serious. Please do not be a Steven. Consult your doctor before adopting and nurturing an intestinal parasite.


End file.
